


The Sun Dissolves

by cryinghannie



Series: APPREHENSIONS [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Home era, Jeongcheol is canon, Jeonghan has panic disorder, M/M, Panic Attack, jeongcheol - Freeform, panic disorder, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 01:21:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20574128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryinghannie/pseuds/cryinghannie
Summary: Their trainee days was when Jeonghan's panic disorder was at it's worst, and he had hoped that all of that was finally behind him the further they got into their career. But then the end of 2018 came and 2019 started off with Jeonghan suffering from a panic attack, and suddenly he was back on that slope downwards.OR Jeonghan has a panic attack for the first time in years.





	The Sun Dissolves

**Author's Note:**

> There is this white wall, above which the sky creates itself-  
Infinite, green, utterly untouchable.  
Angels swim in it, and the stars, in indifference also.  
They are my medium.  
The sun dissolves on this wall, bleeding its lights.

**January 4, 2019**

Jeonghan climbed the staircase up to the practice room, his bag over his shoulder. He was late for practice after dragging his feet that morning. They had the morning off and naturally, Jeonghan slept in until the very last moment. Except now he was running late. As he climbed the stairs, he could already hear the music playing. For some reason, he felt nervous to enter the practice room by himself while everyone was in the middle of practice already. It was dumb, but he didn't want everyone to see him come in late. 

He stood outside the door, hand gripping the strap of his bag as he caught his breath from the flights of stairs. He told himself to stop being stupid and just go in; nobody cared if he came in late or not. But his hand refused to turn the doorknob until he heard the song reach it's end and fade out. Then he quickly slipped in, keeping his head down as he slid along the wall to put his bag with the others'. He couldn't tell for sure, but it felt like everyone's eyes were glued onto him and burning into his soul. 

Jeonghan put his bag down and pretended to be busy rummaging in it for something as he tried to convince himself that he wasn't sticking out as badly as it felt like. 

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," Joshua teased, approaching Jeonghan. He was chugging back some water, his chest heaving from practicing.

Jeonghan didn't look up or respond. Just pulled off his hat and fluffed his hair. He didn't feel like talking with the members. He didn't feel like being around people. He wanted to climb back into bed and read a webtoon on his phone or something. 

"What's wrong?" Joshua asked as he quickly picked up that something wasn't right. 

"Nothing," Jeonghan answered, shaking his head. He was still crouched down in front of his bag. Nothing _was_ wrong. "Just not really in the mood for practice, I guess."

Joshua nodded. "Yeah, me neither, but we don't exactly have much of a choice. And hey, you've already missed one run through, so it won't be as long as it could have been." 

"Jeonghannie-hyung, stretch before we start again," Hoshi told him. "Then we'll go through it again with all of us and then work on each part separately." 

So that's what happened. Jeonghan did a few stretches and by the time he'd finished, he no longer felt as nervous or self-conscious as before. He'd already settled into the practice and the group's dynamics like every other time. There were some parts that Jeonghan was taking longer than the others to perfect, but that was normal, so he continued practicing one-on-one with Hoshi while the others took breaks. 

The entire practice lasted about three hours. Once finished, the upper dorm decided to go out for Thai food, but Jeonghan told them to go without him. He would order something in for himself. He just wanted to shower and get back into his pyjamas, settling down with a webtoon in silence. So he rode back to the dorm with Woozi, Wonwoo, and Mingyu. 

Jeonghan took a hot shower, taking his time. He thought about which webtoon to start next as he dried off and padded back to his room to hop into some comfortable clothes. He wasn't very hungry, so he figured he could forgo dinner that night. Tea would do. Tea and a webtoon before the new year's schedule would be a nice way to end the night. 

But the minute Jeonghan settled back into bed with his phone he felt his chest tighten painfully and suddenly and his body flush with heat. The silent noises of the dorm suddenly made Jeonghan feel incredibly alone, rather than comfort him like it usually would. He sat up and threw off his blankets, planting his feet solidly on the floor as he struggled for breath. He pressed a hand to his chest firmly, fear gripping him. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

He called Joshua. 

"Hello~?" 

"Shua, something's wrong," Jeonghan stuttered out, feeling dizzy as he sucked for oxygen. "You need to come here. Come here. Something- I think I'm having a heart attack."

"What?" Joshua said, sobering up immediately. "I'm coming up right now. Just hang on. Stay on the phone." 

Jeonghan slid off his bed onto his knees, terrified. He knew he wasn't having a heart attack, but something inside of him wished it was a heart attack rather than what he thought it was. He didn't want it to be a panic attack. The thought of it being a panic attack made him feel even more terrified and out of control. On the phone line, he heard Joshua say, "Seungcheol, come upstairs with me, something's wrong with Jeonghan. He's on the phone with me." 

It felt like an eternity before Jeonghan heard them enter the dorm. By this time, he was fully suffocating beneath the panic attack. He had his head in his hands, fingers tearing at his hair violently as he tried to swallow a breath. The world around him felt fuzzy and dreamlike, and the only thing he was aware of was the pounding in his head and chest. He wasn't aware of Joshua and Seungcheol rushing into his bedroom and falling to the ground in front of him. He couldn't feel Seungcheol trying to pry his fingers from his hair gently. 

"Hani, Hani, try to breathe," Joshua said, cupping Jeonghan's face and brushing his burning cheeks with his thumbs. "You're okay. Try to think about where you are, okay? Me, you, and Cheol are in your bedroom. We're at the dorms. It's just after seven p.m. You were going to read a webtoon this evening, right? What were you going to read?" 

"I don't know," Jeonghan coughed, tears making his face hot. "I- I couldn't deci-ide." 

He loosened his hands from his hair finally and grabbed Seungcheol's hands. His own hands were shaking horribly. He could barely feel them. 

Joshua kept talking to him, asking Jeonghan questions about the last webtoon he'd read. Jeonghan did his best to answer, but he felt like he was barely hanging on to consciousness. He wanted to go back to that morning; before he'd been late for practice, before he'd turned down the invitation for going out for supper, and before the panic attack. He wanted to go back. He wanted to go back or disappear. Maybe he wanted to die. 

Jeonghan came down from the panic attack after about ten minutes, but he was still crying. He was scared, terrified, that he was relapsing back to their trainee days when his panic disorder was at it's worst. He squeezed Seungcheol's hands tightly, his entire body still shaking. 

"Are you okay now?" Joshua asked softly, trying to see Jeonghan's face. He brushed Jeonghan's hair away from his face. "What happened? Did something bring this on?" 

Jeonghan shrugged. "I don't think so?" he said quietly, suddenly exhausted. He felt more exhausted after the panic attack than he did after dance practice. "I just got in bed and felt... I don't know, I felt scared all of the sudden. It felt lonely." 

"Why don't you come down and read a webtoon in my bed or something? You won't be so alone that way," Joshua suggested. "And we have pizza. Or, at least, we should still have some left. You haven't eaten yet, have you?" 

"No, but I'm not hungry," Jeonghan said. "I'm just going to skip supper tonight. I don't think I can eat anyways." 

Seungcheol helped Jeonghan to his feet and Joshua picked his phone off the ground. They went back down to the lower dorm and Jeonghan went straight to Joshua's bedroom while Joshua went to grab himself some pizza. He heard Woozi asked Seungcheol, "Is he okay? What happened?"

"He had a panic attack," Seungcheol answered. "Hopefully it doesn't get worse, and that was just a one-time thing." 

Jeonghan turned over onto his side on Joshua's bed, curling up and staring at the wall. He unlocked his phone again and opened up his webtoon app, trying to distract himself from the anxiety about suffering another panic attack. Joshua came back with pizza and sat down on his bed, eating it silently. Jeonghan didn't turn around to face him. He continued to fiddle around with his phone, embarrassed about what happened. 

"Has there been something on your mind lately?" Joshua asked casually, glancing down at Jeonghan. 

"No." 

"Well, don't hide it if there is. If we can avoid things getting as bad as they have been, that would be good for everyone. But don't... Don't feel scared or lonely. You know that you have all of us. It was really scary and lonely during our trainee days but things are different now. Things are so much better now. We're so much closer. It'll be okay. Don't let yourself get stuck inside your head again."

"I won't," Jeonghan replied quietly, but he couldn't promise. 

For the rest of the evening, he started a new webtoon, but he wasn't able to focus on it. He couldn't stop thinking about how their first schedule of the year was only a day away and he was terrified he would have a panic attack on stage. Doubt clouded his mind, making him nauseous and jittery. For the first have of the night, he laid in Joshua's bed. Joshua slept soundly and his steady breathing somehow make Jeonghan more anxious, unnecessarily worried about not getting sleep. 

At around 3am, he quietly rolled off of Joshua's bed, tucking the blankets around Joshua again, and slipped from the room. He went down the hall and quietly pushed open Seungcheol's door. 

"Seungcheol?" he said softly, tip-toeing over to his bed. "Cheol? Can I sleep with you?" 

Seungcheol jolted awake violently, sucking in air through his nose loudly as if he hadn't been breathing for the last five minutes. He squinted blearily in the dark at Jeonghan. "Huh?" he asked, confused.

"Can I lay with you?" Jeonghan asked again. "I can't sleep." 

Seungcheol nodded and wiggled over a bit, pulling back the blankets. Jeonghan slipped into his warm bed, hands held in front of his mouth as he tried to sort through his anxious thoughts. Seungcheol dropped the blankets over Jeonghan and thumped back down again. He wrapped his arms around Jeonghan, pulling him close, and then almost immediately fell back asleep. 

Jeonghan still couldn't sleep, but he felt more relaxed being hugged by Seungcheol, listening to his soft and occasional snoring. Like usual, Seungcheol was excessively warm and his warmth was comforting against Jeonghan's back. But he was still too awake from the thoughts racing through his head. He was still awake when the bedroom started turning grey from the slowly rising sun. He was still awake when Seungcheol's alarm went off, stirring him from sleep. 

Jeonghan quickly closed his eyes and pretended to sleep as Seungcheol reached over him to turn the alarm off. He felt Seungcheol lightly kiss his temple before carefully slipping out of bed and throwing on a t-shirt and some sweatpants. Jeonghan opened his eyes again when he heard Seungcheol leave the room. 

He spread out on the bed, pulling the blankets up to his chin and wiggling against the pillows. He focused on his breathing instead of the weighing exhaustion on his eyelids. His stomach felt hollow from skipping dinner the night before. He didn't know how long he stayed there, staring up at Seungcheol's ceiling. But eventually Seungcheol came back in, seeing Jeonghan awake, and said, "Hey, how did you sleep?" 

"Alright," Jeonghan lied. 

Seungcheol climbed back into bed and pulled Jeonghan towards him, pressing his lips to his forehead. 

"It's going to be fine," Seungcheol mumbled. "You'll be okay. Just make sure you keep talking to us, okay? Don't shut yourself off like you usually do."

Jeonghan swallowed thickly. "I won't. I'm just scared. I'm worried I'll have a panic attack on stage tomorrow. And I'm... scared it'll get as bad as our trainee days." 

"We'll make sure it doesn't get that bad again. We'll keep it under control. And about tomorrow, don't worry too much about it, okay? You're always fine as soon as you're on stage. You overthink it and that's what gets you so scared. And all of us will be on stage with you," Seungcheol assured, stroking Jeonghan's hair. "We'll take the day easy today. Let's go get some breakfast, yeah?" 

Jeonghan took a deep breath and nodded, letting Seungcheol help him out of bed. He knew that the members would be there for him if things went sideways. And he knew that Seungcheol and Joshua weren't going to let Jeonghan get as bad as he was years ago. And he also knew that he was going to be okay. 

But none of that mattered. 

* * *

None of that mattered. Throughout January, Jeonghan had more panic attacks, and the more panic attacks he had, the more terrified he would have another, therefor encouraging more frequent panic attacks. The staffs and the members did their best to hold Jeonghan on the surface, but nothing helped. The sun was beginning to dissolve, bleeding it's light until Jeonghan felt trapped.


End file.
